Why?

Why is it that I can can easily spend 40 bucks on books from chapters that I can also easily get from the library, and yet, feel like spending 25 bucks on a devotional, is way too much, when that book could help me get closer to God?
This weekend I am going away on a youth retreat to Sno Camp. Part of me is excited but another part, a bigger part, is feeling like it will be the same as any other retreat. Right before we leave, there is an excitement in the air, and it continues on for most of the weekend, but then by the end of Sunday, I don't remember much of what was said, and going about my daily routine seems like the thing to do. Right now, I feel as though I only have my church friends left. Everyone from high school, I haven't talked to on msn since the end of last year. Some of them, I haven't even seen face to face since we got together at the end of the summer. I know that in the long run, this may be the best thing for me. Right now, I don't know what to think. I want this weekend to help me become closer to God, and yet not make me feel as though, returning to reality is such a bad thing.
Hopefully things get better. I don't know why, but I feel as though they will.
XOXO